hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
