just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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