my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
