dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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