Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
