I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
And then he peed in my hair
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