Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
