There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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