can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
