i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
In America we eat man semen.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
