I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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