You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
