so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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