My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
