i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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