i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
