I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
