South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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