If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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