i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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