so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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