I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
