Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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