LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
