hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
