Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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