You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize