Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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