Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize