Porn is love you can see.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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