He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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