Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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