I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
