For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
