I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
