i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize