dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
