From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
