hotel room ftw
That's intense
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
