We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
