While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
