i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
