he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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