apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
