do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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