you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
