i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
