i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I lost the right to judge tonight
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize