Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
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