my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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