She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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