I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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