I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
