Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
