I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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