I faked an abortion last night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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