Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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