honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize