I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
