my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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