She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
