you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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