dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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