I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
