You smell like stripper and shame
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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