It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize