So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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