He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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